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Birthers not fooled by kooky conspiracy theory that claims Obama's dad was an American Commie

If you have been following the news, on Fox News, these past three years, you know for certain that Barack Obama is either

a) a Kenyan
b) a Muslim
c) a Kenyan Muslim
d) a Kenyan Muslim who pals around with terrorists such as Bill Ayers and radical Muslims who masquerade as flag-hatin' Christian impostors, such as Jeremiah Wright

What the "birthers'" who exposed this decades-in-the-making sham cannot consider is that perhaps Barack Obama is actually the son of an American Commie. Impossible! That would make him a United States citizen and that is plum wrong, that's for sure.

Riddle me this:

“Dreams From My Real Father,” a 97-minute film narrated by an Obama impersonator, weaves the narrative that Obama’s grandfather wasn’t a furniture salesman but an undercover CIA agent who convinced Barack Obama Sr. to marry his teenage daughter to hide the fact that she was impregnated by a 55-year-old communist named Frank Marshall Davis.

The fake Obama narrator sets up the tale as the “the story I would have told if I were being honest with you.” Built through archival black and white footage, the film’s disclaimer states that it includes “re-creations of probable events, using reasoned logic, speculation, and approximated conversations in an attempt to provide a cohesive understanding of Obama’s history.”

Using that disclaimer, the filmmakers assert that Obama had a nose job ahead of his 2004 run for Senate, that his mother posed for naked photos when she was five weeks pregnant with him and that Bill Ayers nurtured Obama’s career.

The difficulty is accepting this (relatively, to the fringe right) plausible scenario, as Talking Points Memo points out, is that  the birthers must be flipping their tinfoil hats because if Obama’s daddy was not a Kenyan goat herder but a communist journalist nearly four decades older than his mother, it undermines a bedrock of birther lore: that the president is constitutionally ineligible to serve as commander-in-chief.

C'mon, now. Put your thinking tinfoil caps on. There must be a way to reconcile both into a Unified Conspiracy Theory, much like Einstein searched for a unified field theory that would explain the mysteries of the (pre-Obama) universe.

Daily Kos offers a historical perspective:

Hearing about things like this (and how very, very prevalent they are, when it comes to politics, science, or anything else that somebody, somewhere, finds personally objectionable), the only conclusion one can come to is that humankind is, for all our preening, made up of some damn stupid individuals—and that our ancestors are unbelievably damn lucky to have managed to form governments or civilizations at all, given what they had to work with.

I can't imagine how many of our primate ancestors made the very early discovery that fire equals good, only to have their heads caved in by fellow primates that were certain fire was a plot by the primate devil and/or the primate Illuminati. How many thousands of years went by before the whole "let's use fire to keep warm" or "hey, let's cook this damn meat to make it less putrid" thing took off to the point where the vaguely bipedal practitioners didn't just get torn to bits for suggesting the idea? That is impressive enough, but then to have gone on to develop bronze, or cement, or Nintendo systems—now that took some true miracles. No, the astonishing thing about civilization is that it can withstand such a very large percentage of crackpots, during any given era, who are bent on knocking down the whole thing because it conflicts with their own personal motivations or notions of which particular bogeymen are waiting behind which particular corners.

We now turn it over to Sean Hannity.

READING UNDER UFO ALERT!!!

"They're coming to get you, Barbara!"

The aliens, that is, not the living dead, at night. (The space aliens, that is, not the Mexicans. Keep watching the skies, not the borders.)

Yes, it is true. UFO Digest, which knows everything there is to know about these things, says Pennsylvania is in a current UFO ALERT 3 rating, sparked in part by eyewitness (and camera witness) accounts Sunday of some Reading people swearing like sailors after they videotaped conclusive evidence that we are not alone, while tooling around town:

"Pretty much we pulled up to the stop light," the reporting witness stated. "I look up at those lights and was in shock. I asked my Dad to look and I said, 'Is that what I think it is?'"

The driver also alerted his sister who was sitting in the back seat.

"The craft basically hovered there for about 40 seconds and then just disappeared."

Meanwhile, some mysterious booms are keeping a Wisconsin town awake at night. Investigators believe this is proof that the Mole People are finally scratching to the surface.

It must be noted that Mole People are usually union Mole People and thus may be surfacing to cast their vote for Gov. Walker's recall.

Makes perfect sense.

The Classic Sci-Fi Ultimate Collection, Vols. 1 & 2

Typo of the decade

Whoever did this, his ass is grass.

Santorum nabs crucial endorsement

Just in advance of tonight's big GOP debate, where the candidates will discuss birth control, the uterus and Satan, comes this game-changing announcement, from our great friends at Weekly World News:

Aliens from Planet Zeeba are throwing their support behind Rick Santorum.

Rick Santorum stopped by the Ford Plant in Dearborn, Michigan yesterday and was received a great surprise.  An alien representative from Planet Zeeba came to the stage and announced that they Zeebans will be backing Santorum in the Republican primary AND in the Presidential election of 2012.

Dr. Susan Begley from the U.N. Panel on Extraterrestrials was on hand to witness the “Zeeban Humanitarian Award for Humans” given to Rick Santorum.

Dr. Begley told WWN that the Zeebans are “friendly” aliens.  ”There has been an ongoing invasion of our planet since October of 2012.  The Zeeban have come to help and protect human beings, but the aliens from Planet Gootan are here to harm us – and the Zeebans are currently in a fierce battle with them for alien control of Earth.”

So,  how does Rick Santorum fit in with the Zeebans?

“The Zeebans feel that Rick Santorum has what it takes to lead the United States, and therefore, the whole planet.  The Zeebans are also pro-family, pro-gun (lasers for self protection) and anti-abortion (it’s illegal on Planet Zeeba to harm ANY lifeform),” Dr. Begley told WWN.

Oh, no, Mitt Romney is surely doomed now, and so is our Barck Obama.

Happy VDay to all the (cheapskate) lovers in the house

The message says “My love for you is priceless!”

Can you tell the difference between championship dogs and Beat poetry?

Seamist on a Windward Tack.

Carpe Diem’s Old School.

McMagic’s Candied Ham of Pebbles Run.

Are they among the best-in-breed winners frm last year's Westminster Dog Show?

Or are they random phrases from Allen Ginsberg’s “Howl”?

Slate has a fun quiz here.