The 10 Reading Eagle employees who may have to be waterboarded (if national security is at stake)

First things first. I abhor waterboarding. It is torture. It is reprehensible. But let's suppose there is a nuclear bomb hidden somewhere in New York City -- or even Reading -- and the only possible way to prevent nuclear armageddon is to waterboard a Reading Eagle employee. President Bush said this is perfectly legal.

(OK, this is a stretch, but bloggers do have artistic licenses. So let's head on with the list.)

1. James S. Homan, editorial page editor. Far and away the most despised person in the newsroom. One page designer shared a putrid tale of Jim the fancy scuba diver coming in wearing skimpy briefs and sticking his leg up on a desk in front of her face and making her smell his stinky crotch. Famously known for never letting a fabric of natural fiber touch his body.

2. Nick Yost, retired. He doesn't work there anymore. But he had the best beat in the dump and got to ride all those neat cars, every week, for free. Payback time. Gurgle.

3. Christina Bushnell, wire editor. Only because all the guys want to see her in a wet T-shirt.

4. Bobby Aicher, former Reading Times messenger. He is dead. And the dead do deserve some respect. But many. many moons ago, when I covered the courthouse beat for the Eagle, the little prick would race into the press room and hurl the afternoon paper at me. While I had my feet up on the desk and I was trying to sleep. When there was an afternoon paper.

5. Tom Organtini, retired printer. Because he's tough  And he has a name that deserves a plaque in porn star heaven. (Actually, maybe not.)

6. Harry J. Deitz Jr., editor. Totally unethical. But I don't want to go there. Today.

7. John D. Forester Jr., assignment editor. My favorite JDF tale is when he was dating Heather Thomas and she scoured the county to buy him this great bottle of wine and he fell out of bed on top of it and had to be rushed to the the emergency room for stitches.

 8. Me. My wife says I must be on this list. I agree.

9. Larry Orkus, associate publisher. He talked Bill Flippin into buying this new $42 million press. Really.

10. David S. Mowery, managing editor. His head looks like a penis. I'm out of here.