There was a time when I worked at the Reading Eagle when we were forbidden to blog about the Gosselins.
That was in May 2005, a year after Jon and Kate's six little bundles of joy dropped, and the couple was mooching for cash and diapers and nannies and a 15-passenger van (no 13-passenger ones -- PLEASE!) and blogger Dana Hoffman had the impunity to spew such trash talk as:
Maybe they should stop worrying so much about where the next handout is coming from, and instead concentrate on their healthy, hopefully happy, children, and be tremendously thankful for what they have received and continue to receive.
That sent those manatee-size folds on skin on Kate's tummy into full quiver. She phoned the front office and bawled that Dana was snatching baby formula out of her starving multiples' mouths. Embargo.
(Can you imagine Taylor Swift's father calling the paper five years ago and begging them not to write about daddy's little princess?)
That was a lifetime ago, at least in TV terms. If henpecked Jon isn't screwing around on his harridan wife these days, some TLC scenarist definitely should have written it in. It's one thing to have a reality show where a ball-busting scold -- who "felt very ugly toward the fans" -- and her unemployed mate try to deal with the bracing consequences of gobbling too many fertility drugs. It's quite another where the kids are 5 and off to school, a gourmet chef and personal assistant tend to your every need, you travel the country on TLC's dime, you drive a fancy Nissan Nismo when you're not hauling around the brood in that 15-passenger van, a sign outside your million-dollar home warns "KEEP AWAY," and, certainly not least, you pocket $75,000 per episode. And that's not counting book deals, "motivational speeches," and other perks and personal appearances.
With that kind of loot on the table, you'd be stupid not to welcome salacious tabloid scandal to keep your 15 minutes of fame afloat for another season (i.e. $1.5 million). And the Gosselins certainly are not stupid when it comes to self-promotion.
So what's the latest?
- Kate's in-laws tattled by telling RadarOnline she forced Jon to sign a post-nup, permitting him to cheat as long as they can keep milking their cash cow.
- TMZ dug up high-school yearbook photos of Jon, including an, um, smoking gun that identified him as a "Friendly Flirt" with a classmate.
Really. Instead of romantically linking Kate to her bodyguard, why not send her out for a night on the town with Alex Rodriguez? A-Rod was last spotted smooching in public with another Kate, Hudson. And if he could get to second base with this Kate, imagine how much fun we could have watching her nag him from behind the dugout when he can't reach second base at the ballpark.
As for sad-sack Jon, fly him off to Costa Rica and book him on that stupid reality show with Mrs. Blago.
And the kids?
They're mere props now.
Send in the nannies.
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