Catch a Tiger by the toe

By Mary Elizabath Williams, on

A woman beating on a man? A white woman, a former model, beating on a successful, scandal-free athlete who's a double minority? Rumors of another woman -- and not just any other woman, but a party-promoting brunette who lost her fiancé on 9/11, whose name surfaced just two days before the crash? Race! Sports! Gender! Adultery! Terrorism, for heaven's sake! Oh lord, please let there be a sex tape.

That sound you hear is humanity's collective brain exploding at the different angles we can work from here. Or, as Wanda Sykes broke it down Saturday night, what we may have on our hands is a case of a "big Viking bitch" telling her husband to "Get your black Asian ass back in here!" Tiger thinks we're just going to look away and respect his privacy with all that lurking under the surface? Oh, that is rich! That is Nike endorsement-level rich! No, we're going to keep sniffing around this thing like truffle pigs in a Perigord field.

Woods should know that. He is famous enough to grasp that the media and the American public are as skilled at tenacity as he is at hitting little balls. If there's nothing more to tell, then those odd "I'm human" messages need some major clarification ASAP. And if there's more to the story, the dude would do well to take a deep breath and get the real details out there before TMZ and the National Enquirer make merry sport of it, dragging Woods and everyone he's ever spoken to through mud that will make Carrie Prejean look fresh and clean.

'Fess up, Eldrick.