The BEST words

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History lesson courtesy of Donald J. Trump, regarding Honest Abe's Gettysburg Address : 

Lincoln was “ridiculed” after giving the speech by the “fake news” of the time. But, Trump added: “Fifty years after his death they said it may have been the greatest speech ever made in America. Pretty good. Pretty good. I have a feeling that’s going to happen with us.”

Here, then, via Rex Huppke in the Chicago Tribune is Honest Donald's own Gettysburg Address:

Forty tweets and seven “Fox and Friends” episodes ago, Sean Hannity brought up a really great point about my Electoral College win. It was so huge. Really, nobody has ever seen such a massive win, and they said it couldn’t be done. Couldn’t be done. But I did it.

And Hannity — how much do we love Sean Hannity, really? He does such a fantastic job, nobody better. And Hannity said my huge Electoral College win, which they say was the biggest ever, was dedicated to all of you, the forgotten men and women of America. Don’t we love America? Don’t we love our flag? And Merry Christmas. People are saying Merry Christmas again. Nobody was saying it before. Nobody said it!

So we are dedicated to the proposition that all men — and women, don’t forget the women. The women love me so much. I won big with the women. The women love Trump.

The proposition that all — I’m just going to say “all,” otherwise the Fake News will call me sexist or make up some other lies. That’s all they do. You see them back there. Just the worst, most disgusting people you’ll ever meet. Not all of them, but really all of them. Terrible. Enemies of the people.

Click here to read the rest, but don't wet yourself! 

Reading Eagle has a bold plan to replace grizzled veterans with fuzzy-faced newcomers

Just how do you build a winning newspaper in this era of upheaval in the media industry? Peter Barbey, the CEO at Reading Eagle, has a swell idea.

Here is what this front-office genius has announced: Aging staffers still lumbering around the newsroom have been offered a cash buyout if they take an early — and in some cases late, very late — retirement. This will eliminate fat salaries that can be used to beef up the depleted staff with eager-beavers just out of journ school, as well as clear big bucks for Peter the Little to decorate his sprawling $26.5-million Greenwich Village crash pad with artifacts from the Titanic.

What could possibly go wrong with that strategy?

After all, three staffers with a combined 125 years of experience have been limping in and out of editor Harry Deitz's office all week (allegedly, this tip comes from the inside) to discuss their exit.

And what a glorious opportunity it is!

Each retiree can pocket $9,000 to hit the road, with the severance paid over three years, thus delivering a healthy tax break (for the Eagle). And the ex-pats won't have to worry about any co-pay for health care because they will not be part of the Eagle health plan anymore.

Oh, and since that nine grand is spread over three years, each retiree can purchase a nice case of craft beer each month while basking in the glow of being free from the shithole.

Take a number fellas. Harry has appointments booked solid all week.

Citizen Barbey shares revenue report with his staff and the numbers are "YUUUGE!"

Peter Barbey, the wee CEO driving both the Reading Eagle and The Village Voice into the ditch, in no particular order, delivered his quarterly staff report this week, and the numbers weren't very pretty.

As Donald Trump would say: "LOSER!!!"

Revenue from the rebranded Reading Eagle Press (REP, to you acronymoholics) plunged a whopping 28.7% last year, largely because Barbey was such a dickwad in pissing off his largest client, Albert Boscov, by refusing to renegotiate the retailer's printing deal.

The mite newspaper magnate spun the grim news by offering that "it really hurt us, but it didn't kill us," which is a what a lot of Republicans are still saying today.

Relatively speaking, WEEU radio, the voice of Berks County, is going great guns, showing a loss of only 10.2% last year. No mention was made whether the nosedive could be linked to the content sucking or whether station boss Dave Kline was too busy watching cash crumble as chief of Pretzel City Productions concerts.

Barbey assured his staff that the company was all set to resume matching 401(k) contributions for employees until that prick Boscov pulled his account and left the company gasping for air.

Instead, the paper will offer staffers buyouts paying 25 cents for every year of service.

The tiny tycoon then fled the room, saying he had to head to New York to select drapes for his new $26.5 million Greenwich Village condo.

Managing editor Dave Mowery fiddled with his necktie. Editor/associate publisher Harry Deitz slouched glumly throughout the wake playing with his iPhone and scouring the floor for pennies.


Subscribers sport huge boners because Sunday's Reading Eagle is delivered on Monday

It was a happy ending all around, come Monday morning.

Snowbound cranks with too much time on their hands woke up bright and early to find the Sunday Reading Eagle sitting on their doorstops, along with the Monday edition, the Saturday edition, and maybe some scraps left over from the blizzard of 1996.

Their was plenty of purring around the kitchen table as subscribers caught up on all the storm news from two days prior, holding their peckers as they feasted the news staff with "Bravos!" for a job well down.

But these lost souls soon developed a case of the sads, because while they waited and waited and waited for their letter carriers to make their appointed rounds Monday, they learned later that delivery service had been canceled in a great part of the county.

 What else could they do but take to social media and vent their spleens?

Sounds like a plan. Stick it to those lazy, worthless carriers who can't stand to get their galoshes wet.

Except…

1. The mail first has to arrive from Harrisburg. If it does not, the carriers have nothing to deliver.

2. Letter carriers have to find a legal parking place (good luck) and then trudge down unshoveled sidewalks to make door-to-door deliveries.

3. Reading Eagle carriers have only to park their vehicle in the middle of the street and fling the paper somewhere in the direction of the subscriber's house. There are only about 27 subscribers in the entire county anyway.

HAHAHA! Let's invoke the post office's famous mantra and then blame the unions for permitting deadbeat carriers to sit around the PO while piles upon piles of undelivered mail begin to rot.

If only Scott Walker could lurch out of oblivion, get himself elected president, and smash those conniving unions, next time neither snow nor sleet nor dark of night will delay anyone's Netflix.

And, yeah, howsabout those Chinese drones who can whisk a lip-smacking pu pu platter to your front door and not even tear up when left with a two-it tip? Why can't them postal workers slave like those coolies?

But...but..I saw a postal truck drive by? Must be carrying my mail.

Meanwhile, editor Harry Deitz published an extra-special edition of his award-winning Sunday column on Monday about how he is such a caregiver when looking after his staff's safety, and the readers (the ones he quoted anyway) were all for curtailing Sunday delivery:

We didn't want to put our delivery drivers and carriers at risk.

The skeleton staff — not Harry, even though he is quite thin — just had to find a way to work Saturday, log in punishing hours, spend the night in a hotel away from family, and then beam with delight when Sunday's edition finally hit the streets Monday morning:

We haven't missed an edition in the 37 years I've been at the Eagle, and that won't change. Meanwhile enjoy the free online delivery.

Which does pose the question, if the trees that died to put out the Eagle fall in the forest and nobody can read the day-before-yesterday's news until tomorrow, do those trees make a noise?

Just saying.