Don't Christians believe Jesus ascended into heaven?

The war on gays, by supposed Christians, continues today in the letters section of the morning newspaper:

I see that Epler's United Church of Christ is going to allow same-sex weddings in its sanctuary ("Epler's UCC votes to allow same-sex rites," Reading Eagle, Aug. 19).

I'll bet Jesus is spinning in his grave.

Is this gentleman suggesting that Jesus is...dead?

SCOOP! Reading Eagle set to unveil "can't miss" plan that will immediately slash poverty levels in city

Poverty fighter Peter D. Barbey

Poverty fighter Peter D. Barbey

The Reading Eagle is gearing up to announce a bold strategy that will strike at the heart of poverty in the city by immediately boosting the average net worth of its citizens, this blog has learned exclusively.

"The results will be dramatic, " a source close to the plan revealed. "There is no doubt experts will be impressed by the raw numbers, once the statistics are evaluated."

Reading currently ranks as the sixth most impoverished city in the land, with an estimated per capita income in 2012 of $12,414.

"The key figure isn't average income," the source insisted, "but average net worth. In that regard, many, many residents are underwater, with a negative net worth."

The Eagle plan, according to sources, involves Reading Eagle CEO Peter D. Barbey building a home within the city limits. Because Barbey is one of the heirs to a family trust currently valued at $5.4 billion, and boasts an annual income well into seven figures, his residency will cast a significant, positive glow on key poverty indicators.

"Reading is home to only a small handful of families with incomes greater than than 100K," the source said, "Mr. Barbey is willing to do his part to help the city rise from the ashes of despair."

Still to be determined are where Barbey's estate will be built, the cute name he will attach to it, what fortifications will be required, the number of armed guard who will be hired, and how many hours Barbey must actually spend within it to qualify as a legal resident.

"Those are mere details," the source insisted. "The plan is a go."

The source would not comment on another plan reportedly floated about in which Barbey would purchase all of the child refugees from Guatemala, El Salvador, and Honduras and use them to staff a new sneaker factory he will build within the city limits.

Reading Eagle owners could sell newspaper, buy twenty Mitt Romneys

Here's a delightful story from today's morning paper, certain to make you want to hurl your breakfast:

While the Business Weekly blowjob article only IDs Peter Barbey as president and CEO of Reading Eagle Company, the Barbey family, in fact, is one of the prime owners of the Berks County media and real-estate empire, which includes WEEU radio and Moselem Springs Gold Club. The Barbeys' exact stake, or its precise value, is unknown because the company is privately held.

But because the Barbeys did tab Peter to leave sunny Arizona to take over the reins of Reading Eagle Company, one must ask the question: What has this ultra-rich family given back to our community? Are they doing anything to fight poverty? Or improve education? Combat crime? Provide job training for those lacking in opportunities?

Unless I am missing something, the answer is a big fat zero.

Never heard Barbey and philanthropy mentioned in the same breath. Not once. Not with the pages of the family's own newspaper describing, every day, how so many people are hurting.

If anything, one must wonder why Peter (known around the Eagle offices as "the Little Prince") would even bother trying to rescue a sinking ship in a flagging industry. Why not sell the dump and use your money to get a big boner running in some Republican primaries? (No, we do not know how the inter-family squabbles are playing out with the Flippins, the Hatfields to the Barbeys' McCoys in this Eagle family feud.)

One thing's for sure: The royal Barbeys will continue to lobby heavily for issues that matter mightily to their fat pocketbook, such as the elimination of the estate tax, because Reading Eagle Company, is, after all,  just a family farm.

Hobby Lobby asks Supreme Court to let them issue special currency to prevent employees from buying contraception, other forbidden fruit

WASHINGTON — Buoyed by their stunning victory in thwarting the Obamacare contraception mandate, attorneys for Hobby Lobby have petitioned the United States Supreme Court to allow the "closely held" public corporation to issue  unique currency limiting how their employees spend their paychecks.

"Even if Hobby Lobby is not required to pay for certain contraception methods, employees can work around this restriction by using the money Hobby Lobby pays them to purchase the same contraception themselves," said attorney Hamilton "Ham" Bloviate.  "Clearly, this is in violation of Hobby Lobby's religious freedom."

The only logical solution, the company said in its brief, is to prevent employees from purchasing products or services that conflict with Hobby Lobby owners' religious beliefs.

"What if a woman becomes pregnant and uses part of her salary to get an abortion?" the attorney asked. "That would make the corporation a party to murder and clearly would be unconstitutional.

"We believe the fair resolution will be to enter the forbidden items into a database and issue each employee a debit card," the attorney said. "That way Hobby Lobby can block employees from infringing upon the company's freedom of religion.

Hobby Lobby's legal team is drawing up a list of forbidden items based on the Old Testament laws of Leviticus, including lobster, pork, shellfish, tattoos, certain types of haircuts, polyester blends, and any activities involving footballs made of pigskin.

"In light of the recent ruling, we are confident the court will find these guidelines consistent and reasonable," Bloviate said.

Did Robert Hoffman exploit the Gosselin children to provide ammo for his new book?

Among the page upon page upon page of new information (three) in the Gosselin book reboot comes these two disturbing tidbits:

Infuriating? Without a doubt.

But just where did author Robert Hoffman get those damning leaks?

Not Kate's pilfered journals, for sure, since the incidents postdate the copies in Hoffman's mitts.

No anonymous nannies nor babysitters are mentioned. And if one were present, Hoffman would have (should have) sourced her.

 So who were the possible eyewitnesses?

Kate and the kids.

One probably can exclude the twins since they are estranged from daddy Jon, who, evidence suggests, provided his buddy Hoffman with a treasure trove of incriminating material to trash his children's mother in a combo revenge and money deal.

So did Robert Hoffman actually egg on children aged nine or ten to rat out their mother:

"How long did mommy lock you out for? Five minutes? Ten minutes?



"And your face was how close to the poopy-doop? Show me how far. Show me how far."


Never mind the unreliability of using children as sources. Consider the moral bankruptcy and hypocrisy.

The Gosselin children were exploited on TV, yes, and they may suffer deep psychological scars as a result. So let's protect them now by trumpeting the intimate details of the corporal punishment they may have endured for all the world to read, including their giggling playmates.