Shenandoah is only the fifth worst dump where you can live in Pennsylvania (da fuk)

Here we go, a listicle from some folks we never heard of over at RoadSnacks, ranking the 10 worst places to live in the great state of Pennsylvania, which, one has to admit, is a pretty depressing place to live anywhere, any place. (Property taxes, corruption, draconian pot laws, etc. etc.)

Here is the report on Shendo (462dafuk), my home turf as a lad:

Shenandoah is a borough located in the mining region 100 miles northwest of Philadelphia. Anyone with a pulse can purchase a home here; average homes sell for $33,000.

Say what you want about ‘cheap living.’ Homes are priced by demand, and there’s absolutely no demand to live in Shenandoah. The average family earns about $28,000 a year here.

This is a highly authoritative study. They save pixels by using single quote marks. The photos accompanying each community do not match up. Here is the photo they claim is Shendo:

 

It is not Shendo. It is green and nice. The streets are paved. There are railroad tracks. I want to live there.

Dafuk.

Jon Gosselin will pump up runners, itching to land a gig with Beats 1 radio

Se what has Berks County's most famous celebrity DJ been up to lately?

Giving back, giving back to the community, because his heart is as wide as all outdoors:

Unanswered questions: Can this be the springboard to Jon Gosselin joining the Beat  1 team at the new Apple Music? Will inveterate runner Kate be in the fashionista field? Will Jon pump her up before during or after the race? Will the TLC crews be there to chronicle the action, perhaps via a drone's-eye view?

One can only wait and wonder.

Kate Gosselin (could be) hopping mad that drones are buzzing her South Heidelberg property

From today's morning paper comes this vague item, because the morning paper is nothing if not vague (but surely experts at posting duplicate datelines):

South Heidelberg Township, Pa. S. HEIDELBERG TWP. - The South Heidelberg Township supervisors have agreed to research a possible ordinance to prohibit the flying of drones above private properties without the permission of owners.

Ronald R. Seaman, township manager, said Thursday that a resident had strongly complained about drone overflights.

Whomever might that resident be? Is there anybody living in those parts who might be victim to paparazzi armed with the latest technology?

Just asking.

Erratum: Casa de la Gosselin is within the borders of Lower Heidelberg, so maybe the pap have hit the wrong property.

Jon Gosselin eyed to star in kookie "Terminator" knockoff

HOLLYWOOD — Spurred on by the dazzling reviews for the new "Terminator" franchise reboot, a major Hollywood producer is locked in deep negotiations to sign Jon Gosselin to topline a satirical spinoff based on the former reality-TV dad's own wacky experiences, a source close to the project reports.

Gosselin will play a has-been celebrity afflicted with a case of the sads because his bitchy ex-wife is still pimping his eight kids on a cable series, according to a leaked copy of the script. A time machine allows the Jon character to travel back to 2003, where he intends to undergo a vasectomy to prevent his ex from getting preggers and thus avert the reality show from ever launching.

Meanwhile, one of the couple's sextuplets also will journey to the past from a point further in the future to attempt to thwart the Jon character's plan, a plan which if it were successful would negate the tup's own birth.

"Parallel timelines, mutiverses, comedy, pathos, revenge — this story has it all," one insider close to the project gushed.

Veteran director Uwe Boll is rumored to be in line to helm the project.

"While the story dynamics would seem to mirror the relationship between Jon and Kate," Bolls aid, "I really view it as more of a parallel with Ben and Jennifer."

Because the title "The Sperminator" already has been appropriated by a porn film, the working title is "The Artificial Inseminator."

A worldwide summer 2016 release is planned.

New restaurant chain will allow Christian workers to exercise religious freedom without fear of legal backlash

A new Christian-themed restaurant chain will soon launch nationwide that will allow its employees to practice their religious convictions without backlash or penalty.

Called Smite, the family-dining chain will provide detailed instructions on how Bible-worshiping servers and other employees can stay true to their deeply held religious values while still providing quality service to patrons, announced Larry Craig, a former United States senator and president of the new chain funded by Cruisecock Inc., a joint investment by Senator Ted Cruz and the Koch brothers.

"At Smite, employees will not have to fear they will be terminated or face legal action if their beliefs prevent them from fulfilling requests that run counter to the Holy Bible," Craig explained.

For example, if a customer orders lobster, a Christian employee is instructed to respond, "I'm sorry. I can't serve you shellfish today. Might I interest you in unleavened bread instead?"

Similarly, a waitress who notices that a male customer sports a five o'clock shadow can reasonably object that the gentleman is in violation of Leviticus for shaving his whiskers and say, "I'm sorry, I won't be your server today," Craig elaborated.

Craig said there will be no restrictions on questions that employees may pose to patrons in order to determine whether service will violate their religious principles, such as whether a woman did not bleed when she lost her virginity, if a man ever had sex with his daughter-in-law, if the couple has murdered a slave, or whether a man is circumcised.

If a customer orders a cheeseburger, forbidden under some persons' religious liberties because it mixes meat and dairy, servers can recommend the alternate "Santorum," a sandwich consisting of black truffle oil, ground sausage, and frothy corn.

A minister will be on duty at Smite all hours to hear confessions.