Subscribers sport huge boners because Sunday's Reading Eagle is delivered on Monday

It was a happy ending all around, come Monday morning.

Snowbound cranks with too much time on their hands woke up bright and early to find the Sunday Reading Eagle sitting on their doorstops, along with the Monday edition, the Saturday edition, and maybe some scraps left over from the blizzard of 1996.

Their was plenty of purring around the kitchen table as subscribers caught up on all the storm news from two days prior, holding their peckers as they feasted the news staff with "Bravos!" for a job well down.

But these lost souls soon developed a case of the sads, because while they waited and waited and waited for their letter carriers to make their appointed rounds Monday, they learned later that delivery service had been canceled in a great part of the county.

 What else could they do but take to social media and vent their spleens?

Sounds like a plan. Stick it to those lazy, worthless carriers who can't stand to get their galoshes wet.

Except…

1. The mail first has to arrive from Harrisburg. If it does not, the carriers have nothing to deliver.

2. Letter carriers have to find a legal parking place (good luck) and then trudge down unshoveled sidewalks to make door-to-door deliveries.

3. Reading Eagle carriers have only to park their vehicle in the middle of the street and fling the paper somewhere in the direction of the subscriber's house. There are only about 27 subscribers in the entire county anyway.

HAHAHA! Let's invoke the post office's famous mantra and then blame the unions for permitting deadbeat carriers to sit around the PO while piles upon piles of undelivered mail begin to rot.

If only Scott Walker could lurch out of oblivion, get himself elected president, and smash those conniving unions, next time neither snow nor sleet nor dark of night will delay anyone's Netflix.

And, yeah, howsabout those Chinese drones who can whisk a lip-smacking pu pu platter to your front door and not even tear up when left with a two-it tip? Why can't them postal workers slave like those coolies?

But...but..I saw a postal truck drive by? Must be carrying my mail.

Meanwhile, editor Harry Deitz published an extra-special edition of his award-winning Sunday column on Monday about how he is such a caregiver when looking after his staff's safety, and the readers (the ones he quoted anyway) were all for curtailing Sunday delivery:

We didn't want to put our delivery drivers and carriers at risk.

The skeleton staff — not Harry, even though he is quite thin — just had to find a way to work Saturday, log in punishing hours, spend the night in a hotel away from family, and then beam with delight when Sunday's edition finally hit the streets Monday morning:

We haven't missed an edition in the 37 years I've been at the Eagle, and that won't change. Meanwhile enjoy the free online delivery.

Which does pose the question, if the trees that died to put out the Eagle fall in the forest and nobody can read the day-before-yesterday's news until tomorrow, do those trees make a noise?

Just saying.




Harry Deitz will submit his caregiver yarn for a Pulitzer because of course he will

Hey, Joe Pulitzer, waddya think?

Hey, Joe Pulitzer, waddya think?

From our deep background sources inside Not The Village Voice (Reading Eagle) comes wind that editor Harry Deitz is prepping up to submit his massive first-person “A Caregiver’s Story” for consideration for journalism's top award, a Pulitzer Prize.

Pulitzer Prize!?

Let’s cut off the snark right there, because in no way do we wish to disparage Mrs. Dietz and her suffering nor Mr. Deitz and his loyal and loving commitment to caring for his dying spouse. But making public a private person's sad decline and turning that into a sad tale about me, me, me is, well, let's just say some within the newsroom found it cringeworthy.

David Bowie’s caregiver will unlikely submit an article in competition.

Blogger returns and everyody has questions, questions, questions

Where were you? Working on a top-secret mission with undercover op Mark Kessler?
No. Mark Kessler was too busy getting arrested for harassment and making terroristic threats. As for any top-secret mission I may have been a part of, I can neither confirm nor deny.

Who will win the GOP presidential nomination?
Mitt Romney.

Seriously?
Seriously, there will be no Republican nominee. The primary vote will split among Trump, Cruz, and Generic Establishment Republican. There will be a brokered convention, and because there no longer are any party brokers, the delegates will never agree on a nominee and the clock will run out. Hillary will get the Democratic nod, and Bernie will beat her on a write-in to win the White House

What do you think about the new season of Kate Gosselin’'s reality show?
The episode where she and the kids stain her deck was literally as exciting as watching paint dry.

Will you be posting more entries in 2016?
Does the pope shit in the woods. Is a bear Catholic. Cryptic enough for you?

Working on anything else? A novel maybe?
Got one on the front burner.

What's it about?
Boxing, time travel, quantum physics, multiverses, and grief and longing.

Cryptic enough for me.

An important message from Harry Deitz

Your morning newspaper is now more valuable. Why? Because we just told you so, and when we talk, you listen. Look at the upper right-hand corner of the first page. It now says $1.00 instead of 75 cents. See. More value. Instantly. Today.

What is one mere extra quarter, two bits, in the great scheme of journalism things? Cut back on your Starbucks, you cheapskate caffeine phreaks. News is what matters. Even if it is sometimes “olds,” such as our Page2 celebrity gossip column for Monday morning written on a Friday afternoon because nobody from our Dead (scratch that, Life) department wants to work on the weekend because of SENIORITY!

We cover everything, in and around Berks, better than Starbucks. We reported just this morning on the district attorney's decision regarding the shooting of some kids by a Reading cop. That shooting was justified. Trust the DA. We did not want to rankle his plumage by asking why the cop fired nine times after the children backed their auto toward him, nor how fast the auto was traveling, nor why the cop felt it necessary to fire nine times — BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! (Note to copy chief: Am I repeating myself? Is that nine times? Do we still have a copy chief? Yes. Layoffs coming next month. Check.)

You still can find the weekly Redner’s circular in our Sunday paper. (Hint: You do not want to shop at Giants. They suck. They switched their weekly circular to the Merchandiser. Who wants to read a greasy Merchandiser?  You won't find the latest scoopabout the district attorney and the Reading cop shooting there, now would you?)

Our Sunday paper is still a terrific deal, even without that lame-o Giant circular. Your single-copy price only went up to $2.00 from $1.75. See, isn't that a huge savings? We could have raised the price to $3.00, but we did not, because we care about you, our readers!

Shenandoah is only the fifth worst dump where you can live in Pennsylvania (da fuk)

Here we go, a listicle from some folks we never heard of over at RoadSnacks, ranking the 10 worst places to live in the great state of Pennsylvania, which, one has to admit, is a pretty depressing place to live anywhere, any place. (Property taxes, corruption, draconian pot laws, etc. etc.)

Here is the report on Shendo (462dafuk), my home turf as a lad:

Shenandoah is a borough located in the mining region 100 miles northwest of Philadelphia. Anyone with a pulse can purchase a home here; average homes sell for $33,000.

Say what you want about ‘cheap living.’ Homes are priced by demand, and there’s absolutely no demand to live in Shenandoah. The average family earns about $28,000 a year here.

This is a highly authoritative study. They save pixels by using single quote marks. The photos accompanying each community do not match up. Here is the photo they claim is Shendo:

 

It is not Shendo. It is green and nice. The streets are paved. There are railroad tracks. I want to live there.

Dafuk.